Everyone wants to be remembered for something. Lacking in the legacy department? Why don’t you aim to become the most annoying person at your local gym? Try these five easy steps below and become famous among your fellow gym members.
5. Go to the gym during peak hours and cut others in line to get the next treadmill. Walk at 2.5 miles an hour (or less for bonus points) for at least 90 minutes. Focus on burning less than 100 calories total in that hour and a half–the slower the better.
4. Bring your phone into the gym with you. Leave the ringer on, and answer every call. Chat with your friends about how your kid threw up, how you got wasted last night or how your boss was a jerk that day. Whatever happens, stick to topics that no one wants to hear about and talk loudly.
3. Get really pumped up for a workout by bringing portable speakers for your mp3 player and blasting your workout music. Sing along off pitch, maybe even dance a little. Want bonus points? Play Enya or Radiohead.
2. With every weight you lift, grunt in a way that makes others look at you in alarm. Even if you’re just picking up a five lb dumbell, or even your water bottle, let out a nice big grunt. Let everyone know how hard you’re working. For extra points, release a high-pitched squeal every once in a while.
1. Refuse to wipe equipment and machines down after use. Anyone can sweat, but only the most-hated person in the gym can soak the row machine and then leave it dripping wet for its next user.
Remember, if you want to become the most annoying member at your workout facility, you’ve got to dedicate yourself to these five steps.
Do you think I missed an important step? (Ok, ok, I forgot to mention that women should wear their hair down and reapply mascara and lip gloss as much as possible, but besides that, did I miss anything?) Let me know in the comments below.